I want you to do something for me. Close your eyes and think back to 2010. Cheryl Cole and Liam Payne were no more than judge and act on the X Factor (how times have Ch-ayne-ged, see what I did there) and Apple’s Photo Booth was at the height of its game. Back before we had the use of Valencia and X-Pro II, we had the original filters – Sepia, Black and White, and Curve. What a diverse and exciting time that was. Oh how we used to spend hours posing in front of the camera as we waited patiently for that three second countdown to hit its mark and snap a shot (or four if we were feeling energetic) of us pulling some outrageous pose such as a finger placed graciously just below our lips for absolutely no reason whatsoever, or a pout whilst looking up to the right for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
Well, sadly, my days of such fun are well and truly over as the camera on my laptop has decided to stop working, probably to ensure I don’t repeat any of these photo shoots anytime in the near future. Well F U, Apple. I moved to Madrid, 785 miles from my parents and I need Facetime (or Spacetime according to Mumma B) to ensure them that my liver is still functioning whilst living in a place where spending over 3€ on a bottle of wine is the definition of treating myself. After months of seeing them only though the tiny screen of my phone, which only gave my parents a view of my double (triple, let’s be honest) chin and me an arm ache, I fished a dusty webcam out of my dad’s man drawer on a trip back home and was back in the game. I think suddenly having the ability to use Photo Booth after a webcam-less year, I got a bit excited and decided to have a full on, old school photoshoot alone in my room, complete with poses fit for the covers of both Mizz and Bliss magazine.
However, I am no model and after a bit I ran out of poses and the lady in the building across from mine had started to notice what I was doing, so I put the webcam away and continued to get ready to go out (for which I was now extremely late). The webcam has since come out only when I chat to people back home and I’ve moved on with my life.
Until earlier this week.
It dawned on me that my laptop’s warrantee runs out early this year so it was probably time I went to get it fixed. I trotted off to the shop with laptop in hand, mind aimlessly thinking about nothing in particular to give my marble-cased baby over for a week so she could be returned to tip top condition (bar the countless dents and scratches received from the many other roles she’s played: pizza plate, fly swatter, door stop…). It started off well. The man in the shop seemed to understand my broken Spanish and told me to open the camera to show him the error message that appears. Why I chose to open Photo Booth instead of Facetime, I don’t think I’ll ever know. But suddenly, there on the screen below the bloody error message were hundreds of little me’s all looking up to the right for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
Without moving, his eyes met mine. Then his head slowly rose up. As did his eyebrows. I held my breath. My cheeks flushed. He snorted.
Yep. He actually snorted. It’s one thing to sit alone in your room channelling your inner and utterly embarrassing 14-year-old self, but it’s another to be caught red-handed by a well-groomed, muscular, Mediterranean man. I honestly thought I would be sent to jail he judged me so hard. YEAH I WAS FEELING FLY, SO WHAT? CUFF ME.
Well, it turns out that after all that, I missed the end of my warrantee by a week and it would cost me 525€ to get it fixed so thanks but no thanks Crapple, I’ll take my chances with Wendy the webcam. (She has a name now because I feel like we took things to a new level somewhere back there).
And so went my week. I managed to suffer through but survive yet another embarrassing moment. Now, as I’m sitting here typing away first thing in the morning with an already coffee stained top, I’m wondering what the next week will bring as I feel I’m more suited for the cringe sections of those 00s mags rather than the cover of them. Well, I suppose we’ll find out soon.
Future come @ me. I’m ready 4 u.